Jokes by eberetta1

[eberetta1]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a
large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage
that said ,"My name is Pauley, you can take me home for $50.00."

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell
you first that Pauley used to live in a house of
prostitution, and sometimes she says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have
Pauley anyway. She took Pauley home and hung Pauley's cage
up in her living room and waited for Pauley to say something.

Pauley looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then
thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, Pauley
saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where Pauley had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith comes home from
his monthly poker tournament in Las Vegas.
"Hi, Pauley," said Keith.
"Hi, Keith," Pauley answered back.     

[eberetta1]

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 
"That will be $9.40 please."  The man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the
man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will
be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 
"Excuse me, sir..  How do you manage to always come up with
the exact change in your pocket every time?"
 
"Well," says  the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the
attic and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie
appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that
if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand
in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's  brilliant!" says the waitress..  "Most  people
would ask for a  million dollars or something, but you'll 
always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man..

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for
a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees
with everything I say.."