A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest , which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is; why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The businessman replied: Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?
A lady and her young son were travelling in a taxi in New York. As it passed a particularly seedy part of the city the boy was fascinated by the garishly made-up women who were walking along the streets accosting some of the male passers-by. He asked his mum what they were doing and she replied in an embarassed voice that they were probably asking for directions. The taxi driver heard this and said "Why dontcha tell the boy the truth -- in udda words they're prostitutes." The lady blushed and the boy asked her "What are pros.... what the driver said? Are they like other women? Do they have children?" "Of course" said the mother "Where do you think New York taxi drivers come from?"
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
Kachidza was at a local beerhall when a beautiful woman walked in. The beerhall was full and there was only one one place to sit: next to him! Kachidza, always a friendly guy, decided to strike up a conversation with his pretty new neighbor. But as soon as he said "Hello, Miss..." she turned to him and screamed at the top of her lungs, "WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DO YOU THINK I AM, YOU PERVERT!"
This caught him very off guard, as all of his friends in the beerhall were glaring at him for trying to molest this newcomer. He slouched down as far as he could on his stool, and looked at what he knew would be his last drink here in a long time.
After a few minutes the lady said to him, "I'm sorry if I scared or embarrassed you. I'm a Psychology student and I'm doing a study on what happens to an innocent person when they are falsely accused of something in public. Please don't take it personally. We're friends, right? Shake hands?"
Kachidza looked at her, her hand stretched out, her eyes imploring and yelled out, "A THOUSAND BUCKS FOR A NIGHT!!! ARE YOU CRAZY??"
The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, "What did you do at recess?"
Mary says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played with Mary in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Billy does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
Something to think about: "Being a star has allowed me to get insulted in places where the average Negro could never hope to get insulted." --- Sammy Davis Jr.
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
